Hey Mama, I see you.
I see you dressing your little ones for church, battling the flailing arms and the subtle restlessness over how much of you the day requires. I see you spending even less time getting dressed yourself, holding your baby as you put on a little mascara, trying to make today feel more set apart than the others.
For whatever reason, I see you going alone today. Maybe your husband is sick. Maybe your husband is the pastor or minister. Maybe he's at work, or maybe he's absent altogether.
I see how you sigh as you finally get to the driver's seat, glad for a place to close your eyes for a second. I see you breathe in and out and open your eyes with a little bit of hope.
You're tired. You don't want Sundays to feel like work, but they do. Making it to corporate worship feels like a job, and only God knows how naps will go….
The reality is, as a mother, I will succeed and I will fail. Nevertheless, in either state I am under the strong and gracious hand of a loving Heavenly Father. Just as you are learning to walk physically, I am learning to walk in this calling of motherhood. Falling down and tripping up are a part of the process. One might say that my failure is not a sign of inadequacy, but…
This transition feels daunting. I’m used to full sentences, higher developed thought processes, and immediate feedback to my advice. Now my ministry will be far more simplistic, far more interrupted & in some ways far less appreciated (at least initially). It feels less intentional & less deep. Sometimes it feels like it has less value.
You press your tiny hands against the cold glass window. Your big blue eyes stare out at the raindrops falling on the leaves. It's so beautiful, so quiet, so peaceful out there. You can't look away. But, my gaze is set on you. Your eyes are bright with wonder. Ever so slowly, a smile appears on your face as you take it all in. Mama is holding you close and you are beholding the simple beauty of the Creator. So am I, but I'm beholding the beauty of a little boy made in the image of a big God. I'm beholding the answered prayer of a mama's heart that so desperately wanted you. I'm beholding your spirit of curiosity, and the complete contentment of your little life in this moment. It's painting a picture of how the posture of my heart ought to be as well, in awe of the One who is present with us in this moment, drinking in the simple blessings that surround me.
Stepping in to this new role, this new normal, this new life, has left me calling out to God more than I ever have before. While there is so much joy and life in this new role, there is also so much discomfort and pouring out of myself that has me realizing over and over again that I cannot be the mother God is calling me to be in my own strength. I need Him. I need his strength every hour of every day. I find myself being stretched by God daily. There’s tension and discomfort. I like to call it growing pains. I know that God is producing so much good in this new season, I can’t even list all the amazing things He has shown me about Himself in these 4 short months. I feel like God has started a revival in my soul that I didn’t even know was so needed. He is rooting things out of my heart that I allowed to lay dormant for far too long.